How to Get People to Read Your Emails

No one reads fucking emails. You ask three bulleted questions, you get 0.37 fucking answers. Everyday when this happens, I personally feel like saying fuck. Over and over. Yelled and whispered. While laughing and near tears. I’m fucking sick of it. Everyone feels the same way. Here are some fucking solutions:

Use photos to ask questions:

Make jargon more sexual:

• Replace “we need to touch base by EOD” with “we need to touch by EOD.”
• Instead of saying “keep me in the loop”, go with “keep me abreast”
• “I’m going to need your strategic STD” is a engagingly incorrect way to say, “I need a strategic POV.”

Insert random phrases. For example:

• Do you want to take the lead on this project or should Ben and I Eiffel Tower it and let you review it when we’re done?
• What’s the deadline on this muthafucka?
• Before COB, you’re gonna need to put your boner away and send the Q4 report to the client.

 *This strategy is a good test. If  people still don’t respond to your questions,  you know it’s time to move to the previously mentioned photo format.

Inert a typo in the email subject line:

Everyone that just typo-freaked, you made my fucking point.