I’m hungover. It’s Friday morning, and my celebratory TGIF flag is at half-mast. I need a cure, and no, Advil or coconut water doesn’t work you gullible, placebo-effecting muff huggers. Because of this, my real hangover cures rely almost entirely on others, but if we help each other, we can win this battle together. Here are the cures:
Give a verbal hug
Ask me if I’ve been working out. Say you like my mole. Under no circumstances ask if I’m tired, or tell me I smell like a Miami Vice. This only reminds me I have no self-control and I drink with you so often you know my favorite drink. And what social terrorist tells people they smell like booze? What answer would you like in return?
Do you like Malibu Rum?
Want to sip a pineapple juice and lick my forehead sweat? Dick.
Communicate through signals
If you ask me a question, I have no idea what I might say. Please talk to me only through nods, finger points, eye brow raises and salutes.
Share a nostalgic story
Remember that time in High School when we all went ice skating and then drank hot cocoa while playing Catch Phrase? Why, drinking, why?! Although telling me stories like this have 0% chance of changing my future weekend behavior, it will affirm that fun times can be had without drinking (in theory).
Recommend a new sad song
Hangover = I’m sad, and crying is obvi the best way to get the booze out of your system. Colbie Caillat is my go-to, especially when it rains. I need an updated playlist.
Tell me “that’s a good idea”
Under normal circumstances, freeing a cheetah from the zoo and giving him his own Twitter handle wouldn’t be a great way to launch Cheetos’ new crunchy “Unleashed” variety, but today it is.
Dr. Drew’s hangover-curing drink
It seems slightly counter-intuitive an addiction medicine specialist would create a drink that cures hangovers, but this would be the most glorious day in the world, and it’s supposedly in the works. A little less time on Jodi Arias and a little more focus on this please, Mr. Drew.
My good friend Sauce pointed out: “You can’t be hungover if you’re still drunk.” If this is more your work style, a flask tie is for you.