It’s been five minutes and my phone still hasn’t vibrated. No one’s liked my Insta. Sadness has set in and me, myself and I are the only three friends I really need in this dog-eat-dog world. These six tips will help you avoid this pain:
1. Use Heffe Whenevs Possible
Don’t even think about tagging me in anything 1977.
For shits and gigs, here is what the other filters say about you:
Hudson: Your to-do list is color-coded.
Nashville: You pause once per day and imagine your life is a movie.
X-Pro II: At the gym water fountain, you fill up your whole water bottle while people are waiting in line for a sip.
Lo-Fi: You live for Smart Art in PowerPoint.
Willow: When it rains, you put on Adele “Chasing Pavements” and smile.
Earlybird: You love craft beer and have the word ninja in your Twitter bio.
Kelvin: Game recognize game. Let’s be friends.
2. Make Baby Photos More Boss
So you can’t resist posting photos of your kid, niece, adopted Chinese cousin you see only at Thanksgiving…fine.
But let’s step it up. Enough with the cuteness. Or in many cases, semi-cuteness that everyone sympathy “likes”. (Sorry, I’m bitter my kid’s gonna be Goth.)
It’s time to make the #BossBaby hashtag a thing. I’m talking children straight mean muggin’.
3. Use Better Hashtags
#BossBaby is clearly the leader in the clubhouse, but I’d also like to see #ChumGun used when a photo includes friends.
Forms of #Bro also should be used bro-fusely.
Finally, celebrating Patriotism and Freedom shouldn’t be reserved for just July 4th. #Fourth needs to be an Instagram trend on the fourth of every month. The founding father’s are already pissed #FF in social isn’t their hashtag (and refers to following instead of leading). Let’s create social media that makes them proud.
4. Take Yourself Off Private
Are you a member of the Men in Black?
5. Improve Your Selfies
I like T&A mirror selfies as much as the next guy, but sometimes a nice sweater does more for the bosom than a halter-top. Overall, we need to be more creative.
For example, close-up selfies could spawn business innovation:
Why the fuck does my button-up do this when I’m in the 63rd weight percentile for my height?
The world is a better place when we all selfie consciously. Consider this: You’re looking fab in a new J. Crew Cash Cardi and vintage necklace while recycling. #SustainableSelfie!
6. Write Quality Captions for Common-Ass Photos
Oooo, that’s a lovely view. I’ve never seen the Chicago skyline look like that before. If you’re going to post the same GD photo as every other human, step your caption game up. For skylines, add a rhyme (#skylinerhyme) for the love of Christ.
Behold: Sittin’ on my roof, drinkin’ sweet vermoof, you got less gold in your bank, than I got in my toof.