How to Defend a Woman’s Honor in 2014

chivalry

Chivalry is not dead, ladies. It simply has had to evolve with the times. Unfortunately in 2013, gentlemen cannot duel, joust or launch 1,000 ships (if your face looks like Helen of Troy‘s) to defend your honor in 2014, but we can do these ten things.

1. Like your Instagram photo if it has single-digit likes

2. Not like a friend’s Instagram photo if you two are in a fight

3. Lead the way through revolving doors with fucking pizzazz

revolving

Strutting while saving energy is responsibly sexy.

4. Support your stance on Lean In, whatever it is

5. And Miley Cyrus

All bros know she’s hot. Just keep it to yourself and watch Wrecking Ball when she’s having a ladies’ night and you’re sailing the seas with Sailor Jerry and bored with 30 for 30s.

6. Offer you the other half of our Subtember footlong if we overhear all you’ve eaten today so far is a handful of goldfish, three carrots and some Kashi.

7. Have these phrases holstered, and deliver them in full stride, if douches disrespect you:

Douche: You’re a slut.

Honorable gentleman: So is your mom. Unfortunately, you were the one time she didn’t swallow.

Douche: You’re not even hot.

Honorable gentleman: Ever had a delicious hot fro-yo?

Douche: You probably went to community college you dumb c#@$.

Honorable gentleman: The only c word you should be using is cardio fatass.

8. Tell the maitre d’ immediately, “This seat is unacceptable. Find us a worthy one post haste!” when you get that look in your eye and don’t immediately sit down when he takes us to our table.

9. Stare anyone’s bitchass down that doesn’t share the sidewalk and bumps into you

10. Win you a stuffed animal at the state fair/carnival

It doesn’t matter how much money it takes. Our noble forefathers would risk death if another man said his lady was a wench, the least we can do is sit down at the squirt gun races for an hour.

The times may not allow us to be Robb Stark ladies, but we can still be Lord Disick, and that’s pretty damn good.

LordD

Holler

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