Big news. I hope you’re sitting down. I am. That’s because I’m pooping. Yep. And if you walk into the bathroom right now, you’re going to see my suede leopard flats and want to ask me where I got them. But you won’t. Because mid-poop conversations with strangers are weird. Unless you’re reading this blog while pooping, which is smart. I pop, lock and squat it at a lot of random places, while wearing a lot of fabulous outfits, and I’m going to tell you about all of them here. I drink a venti double skim chai every morning, so check back for regular updates.
This is the “about” section of your new blog, ladies. It’s called Taking a Chic, and it’s a fashion blog that’s going to make you internet famous.
I know a lot of you read fashion blogs. I’ve perused a few over the last few months for various reasons myself. They’re pretty. I get the appeal. I think a fashion blog written by a mysterious glamorous pooper is so much better though, for so many reasons. Here are a few of them:
This blog wouldn’t just appeal to women
Of course women would enjoy reading your clever quips and wily H&M/Nordstrom pairings, but there’s so much here for men to love too. Women’s poops are a mystery to guys. For example, these are just a fraction of what I’m curious about:
- Do women have a favorite work stall?
- Do they go at the same time everyday?
- Have they ever sent a pic of a funny looking poop to a friend?
- Would they ever drop a deuce at the bar?
- Have they ever pulled any poop-related pranks on their friends?
- What do they call pooping when telling a friend they just pooped at the bar?
- Do women say hi to someone washing their hands after loudly farting in the stall?
- What percentage of likes on my Instagram photos do ladies execute with their pants down?
It’s an easy way to stand out and make a splash
Anyone starting a fashion blog has an uphill battle to compete with the Damsel in Dior’s of the world. To stand out, you have to wipe back-to-front, do things differently so to speak.
I’m stylish, but how do I make the page look like THAT? What site even makes blogs? Fuck.
What girl talks about pooping? No one. How many people poop? Everyone. How many people look as good as you do pooping? No one. Well, maybe a few people, but no one with a blog about pooping.
Blog differentiation problem solved.
You may be thinking: Why couldn’t a man do this blog? I guess they could. It might actually be pretty awesome, and the first men’s fashion blog worth reading. I tried it out for a day and I came up with a few example posts:
Can probably tighten the ‘ol belt after unloading this one. Wow, I feel light!
Taking the Browns to the Super Bowl right now y’all. And I’m not just talking about this new Frank & Oak cardi. Cardis are my new jam. So. Damn. Versatile.
Talk about matching. My Johnston & Murphys are the same color as my poop today!
Not sure it has quite the same crossover appeal. I’m pretty sure girls already know bros update their fantasy team, text photos of their best bowl work, and scroll babes on Insta while on the throne. The man version would be solid, but Taking a Chic would be much more fun/interesting/sexy coming from a hot babe. My fashion credibility would also immediately go down the toilet when everyone realized I’d worn the same jeans every day this week.
You can do it while pooping
Talk about productivity. We know a woman with the bowels to start this blog has ROI to create in the real world. As I showed above, the posts don’t need to be Loch Ness Monster log-long to have an impact. You could easily squeeze out 2-3 posts per week doing your morning constitution.
You already have your about section, name and now a few example posts:
You can easily do posts featuring any new shoes, jeans, jewelry or clutches you’ve recently purchased. Beyond these fabulous product highlights, here are a few post ideas and content themes to start Taking a Chic off strong:
Female poop myths – Basically, just answer any of the questions listed in #2, and add any ones I can’t even imagine. Eventually, readers could send you questions to answer.
Interesting interior design observations – Example post: Hi guys. Check out this awesome bathroom design at my neighborhood sushi place. The green rocks in this stream sink match my Catbird ring! Ok gotta go, someone’s knocking at the door.
Current events – Did you guys see the new Kanye Bound 2 video? It’s a bigger pile of shit than what I’m working on right now, and I had Chipotle last night. What the hell is going on with men these days btw? Kayne is unveiling his new video on Ellen, Kobe is chit-chatting with those basic betches on The View and guys are wearing man-muffs when it’s 45 degrees out. Man up. You virgins probably wouldn’t even send a group text if you broke Randy Marsh’s record and dropped a deuce over 100 courics.
Morning fashion advice – Example post: Being considerate this morning and pooping before work. Do you guys like these new flats? I think they’re kinda cute but I’m on the fence.
Other than that, inspiration can literally strike when your digestive system says so, which is another great benefit to this blog. You don’t need to constantly be thinking of post ideas; your body provides them regularly.
Someone please start this blog. Don’t thank me. The pleasure I get reading from your gems at 9:15 every morning will be enough. I’m sick of playing Words with Friends or scrolling Twitter. I know you’re out there lady. Let’s poop together.