Ways the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show Could Be More Arousing

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The Victoria Secret Fashion Show isn’t for me. I get that and like it. It’s a glitzy, flashy, celebration of sexy extravagance that’s expertly and concisely put together. My TV seems clearer and at least four inches bigger. That’s the only thing. It arouses my interest, but not that much interest, and that’s good. It’s great for the people that are meant to enjoy it, but like a bra before VS came along, there are a few things that could perk it up.

First off, the off-the-runway content needs to be improved.

The ladies obviously look incredible, but I want to go beyond the bra and focus on intelligence assets. For example, was that deserted island business serious in the first break from the runway? I did the deserted island ice breaker at Church Sunday School in 3rd grade. This is the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Unless Benhati’s talking about what she would do with Adam Levine at sunset, I don’t care if you’d bring music or drink mix, hehehe.

I would enjoy watching the ladies exchange (Victoria’s) Secret Santa gifts while wearing the VS holiday collection, though. Maybe it’s a PINK Elephant Secret Santa where they exchange funny gifts, or PINK underwear from panties-styles past. What do supermodels get each other as gifts anyway? I have no idea. (If I had to guess, I think espresso makers, bracelets from a friend’s new line, and iPads would be high on the list).

I’d also like to know what nicknames the models have for each other and how they got them. I imagine they’re more creative and interesting than most athlete nicknames (D-Rose, for instance) Pelican’s Center Anthony Davis is the “The Unibrow”. Does Cara Delevingne have a similar brow-related name?

New Orleans Pelicans New Uniform

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Speaking of Cara, the social media portion of the show had its moments, especially when highlighting Ms. Cara’s social fierceness. “Life’s too short for Insta-fails.” That was #excellent. What are some of the other ladies’ life mottos? What does YOLO mean to them?

Can any of these ladies sing? None mentioned it in their secret talents for Esquire, but some T-swift/Karlie Kloss karaoke to Natalie Imbrulia’s torn would have been entertaining. (How happy is T-Swift that the fashion show is over and she can take a day off from the gym, BTW. Holy cats was she ripped.)

I could even go for some first kiss conversation. This would have been great after that curly-haired love song guy. Or love song karaoke with Taylor and the curly guy! You have to follow up on the romantic mood there VS.

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This all came to mind when the models went Zoolander and showed off their “sexy” looks. (“That was fun!” I thought.) I don’t really care which of these alternate filler content approaches goes down in 2014, but I want to see some personality cleavage, and the deserted island needs to stay deserted.

Next up, I’d like to see the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show become even more of an event. Let’s expand the show to an hour and a half, add 2-3 of the personality features already mentioned, and then sprinkle in a few more wrinkles to make the show into a sexiness spectacular the Beijing Olympic Opening Ceremony committee would be proud of. For example:

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Cameos from past models should be integrated. Just because Heidi wasn’t on the catwalk this year doesn’t mean she has to be exiled from the action. I missed some of the old guard. Right before the ending with all the wings, let’s get a quick cut to Heidi eating buffalo wings saying: “I love the wings. Enjoy every second of your special walk ladies.” There could be a special video feature with Tyra Banks and Natalie Portman fake making out Black Swan- style wearing VS Playful Panties (or some more culturally relevant movie reference).

The behind-the-scene stuff where you can hear the producers/coordinators etc. was especially cool. I’d like a flashback to the creative brainstorms where they talk about which outfits are going to be featured. “I think we should do a big cats of the jungle theme. No! I’ve got it. We’re doing birds of paradise!”

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Can we get the fans a little more involved, too? Maybe there are (Victoria’s) Secret admirer notes under a few select fans seats which are quickly read aloud, ending with one for Adam Levine of course!

On a different note, has there even been a fashion show drinking game created? Every big event needs a drinking game. I Googled it and found a few. They’re pretty complicated, though. Here’s a quick one for next year:

  • When your fave model pops up: Drink
  • When a Victoria’s Secret commercial plays: Chug until the end of the commercial
  • Every time they show Adam Levine: Moan, and then shot
  • Every person gets to give out one “Spelling Bee Challenge”. When a model appears on the screen, you can challenge someone you’re watching with to spell her last name. If she gets it wrong, it’s a shot for her. If she gets it right, it’s a double shot for you.
  • At the 30 minute mark, everyone gives her best Blue Steel look. Worst one has to be posted on Instagram.

Finally, let’s let the models improv a little at the end. Maybe a race in heels to the end of the runway. Maybe twerking doing the show instead of after. Maybe Doutzen Kroes has her favorite meal waiting for her backstage and playfully chows down on it. (Papa Johns missed an opportunity doing this fashion show IMO. Anyone that watches football know about Papa and Peyton Manning’s commercials right before the second half of all NFL games. I searched the #VSfashion show hashtag on Instagram during the show and it was a lot of people eating pizza and joking. Husky opportunity missed Papa.) I think there needs to be a little differentiation from each year’s show, and letting the models add a sweet personal touch at the end could help make 2013 unique from 2011.

There’s nothing thong with the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show as it is. I recorded it and watched the whole thing after all. With a few adjustments, however, the show could go from $5 Dream Angels panties to a Rhinestone Tulle Teddy.

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Holler

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