Horace Grant Needs His Own App

HoraceGrant

What do you remember about Horace Grant? Probably not much beyond his goggles. I remember him as a champion, and a beacon for rec-spec’d glue guys everywhere. (He averaged an impressive 13.4 points and 9.1 rebounds per game during the Bulls’ three-peat btw.)

A stud like Horace should not just fade into obscurity. This is why he needs his own iPhone/Android app that adds colored goggles onto any photo you take. I could explain the benefits further, but I think these photos speak for themselves:

motay HG

bmase HG

hutch HG

Get at me Horace.

How the Mayans Could Help You Get Some: A Business Idea

If you could makeout with one last person before the world ended, who would it be?

Think about your Facebook friends, that person you wish you were friends with that has uncreepable privacy settings, and all the people you almost sent a friend request to after three beers but ultimately didn’t because having a class in the same building doesn’t really count as knowing each other and there’s still hope you might run into them at the grocery store and think of something witty to say about the carrots in their cart.

Now that you have that person in your mind and are lamenting your pussyness for never speaking up …do you think they would say you?

Probably, not. But what if there was a chance? What if there was a website where you could enter the person’s name you’d like to makeout with if the world was ending tomorrow, and they would never know unless they also entered your name too. So you’re tellin’ me there’s a chance!!!

Here’s what site would be:

  • Simple landing page where you type in the name of the person you’d like to makeout with
  • Connected with Facebook so a person’s unique URL would identify them (This ensures when you type in Katie Smith you get the model Katie Smith and not the all-Big Ten shotputter Katie Smith.)
  • Fun optional info fields like where you would like to makeout or if you’d actually just like to cuddle
  • You get to enter one name per week up until the week of the apocalypse. During this week, you get to enter one name per day.
  • If two people enter each other’s names, you get a glorious email and your day improves exponentially. Coordinating jumping on the pony is up to you.

Why it might work:

What’s the thinking behind this site? Two reasons:

  1. You have a natural buzz-building event everyone is aware of. Newspapers and local news stations are going to need more to fill the news hole than weird bottled-water hoarders and people that dug their own backyard bunkers. Buzz initially would be highest leading up to December 21, but people would still enjoy making out afterward if the Mayans are j/k, and this would make those ugly sweater parties a little spicier.
  2. People get batshit, Gary Busey crazy with world-ending hysteria around possible global catastrophic events. People spent $1 billion prepping for Y2K to hit and American Express open Forum identified the world ending as one of the top 5 business opportunities of 2012. This site wouldn’t solely be an act of goodwill to kill pick up lines and get shy people laid. The goal would be to make Ciroc Obama money. More money, more problems until the apocalypse hit.

And if it did work, there’d be more than a few last makeouts for you. Thanks for being wingmen Mayans.